I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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