Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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