so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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It was like giving head to a cactus.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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