How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
