I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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