Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
