is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
