my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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