thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
