theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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