Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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