I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
