Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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