Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
