just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
there is glitter all over my balls
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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