New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
