I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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