you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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