you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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