Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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