I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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