Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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