He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
