i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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