If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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