Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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