Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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