I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
