Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
