just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
