It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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