the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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