Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
