I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
