Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
