I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
