She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
