Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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