In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
