cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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