Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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