It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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