I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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