sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
