is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize