I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
