You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
