I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
