in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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