I am midnight drunk by noon
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
