I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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