I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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