just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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