Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
